I'm moving. To word press. Find me there. Maybe ill come back but tata for now.

not just tugging on my heartsrings.

Do you ever have music hit you - like really hit you; when it feels like the song has managed to reach into your chest and pull your heart right out, not just tugging heartstrings, but completely breaking them, the force of the snap echoing through your limbs, and there it is thumping in front of you to the beat, all exposed and aching, but a good ache, a deep ache you can feel through your body all the way to your toes, and you don't want that feeling to end no matter how much it hurts, so you play the song on repeat, but then you have to take a break from it - maybe for an hour, a few days, a month - depending how just how deep it makes you ache, but you always go back to it, you just can't use it all the time or the ache fades and it's such a fucking good ache you can't bear to let it fade, so you ration yourself in order to guarantee that if you play that song the ache appears.


ahh. i love that feeling.

$%&*

I think "shit" is my favorite curse word.
No, I KNOW it's my favorite curse word.

"Fuck" is overused, overinflated, everyone and their mother says "fuck" when they're pissed off.

But, shit, now that's a good curse word and is so often overlooked because of that spotlight hogger fuck.

There's so much more aggression let out in the extended version: shhhhhhhhhhhhit.

The quick version is just as satisfying, no long vowels to encumber verbalizing it multiple times: shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. It just flows off the tongue.

You can't say "that's the fuck", it's "that's the shit" or "that's the fuckin' shit". Fuck is just support cast for the main player.

Give shit a chance.

Sick day.

I was walking to the train this morning so I can get to work when I started feeling sick. I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts to get some breakfast and hoping I'd feel better (after all, I do run on Dunkin'). But that didn't help either. So I called out and came back home. I played some Call of Duty, Photoshopped, and just laid with my babies - Pinky and Camora.

SEE:

I still have to go work at my other job at 4PM but it's all good because I'll be well rested.

I think I will be going back to bartending and school. My ideal world.

Oh BTW: YOU MUST MUST ABSOLUTELY MUST see the documentary "Sicko" By the genius mind of Michael Moore. This guy is remarkable! Total eye opener and life changer! 5 STARS!!

Pluto during one of his better days. :(


Pluto around Septmeber 2009.

I honestly never felt what I felt yesterday. It was a crazy mix of emotions. It all happened pretty fast but I feel somewhat at peace with it. He had been weak for a few months. He hadn't been eating normally - if at all. He was moaning in pain even when he just laid down. While on vacation in Myrtle Beach, my mother had stayed home so she can take care of him but every night she would call us and tell us how he's very sick. We couldn't believe how this crazy energetic dog got like this in a matter of months. When we came back from the trip I decided to go over my mom's house and see how Pluto was instead of going to my house. I slept next to him all night and prayed he would pull through. In the morning I called the vet and made an appointment for the same day. I took him to the vet along with me was my sister, my mom and my dad. My brother is currently on vacation so he wasn't present. At the veterinarian's office we took x-rays of his abdomen. The x-rays revealed a tumor located at his stomach. This tumor had spread to his chest. His gums were swollen and this was why he couldn't eat. The vet did tell us that he was starving but he couldn't eat because of his discomfort. He told us he would probably pass away sooner than later so we took the decision to euthanize him. :(. The doctor gave us a moment with Pluto while he was alive so we could say our goodbyes. It was the worse situation I've ever been in. I knew we were doing the right thing but somehow it felt wrong. I knew we should stop his pain and discomfort but somehow I wish there was different way. I decided to take out my cellphone and make a quick video of us in the vet room with Pluto before they put him to sleep. To see the video click here. The vet asked us if we would like to have him cremated and we did. He also asked if we would like to be present for the process of putting him to sleep. Me and my sister decided we wanted to be present. My parents couldn't handle it. They had to leave. The reason I wanted to stay was because, like my sister pointed out, I didn't want Pluto to see my entire family leaving and him still being alive staring at us go. I wanted to make sure that he goes in peace and I wanted to witness it. I wanted to hold him as he passed. The way it was done was that he was first injected with a drug to make him unconscious. Then he would be injected with the lethal drug that would eventually make his heart stop beating. As he was injected with the first drug I held his face and told him it would be okay and that soon he would feel no more pain. [It's so hard to write about this I must say it's taking me a long time :'(] Then after the first drug was injected he started getting sleepy and laying down on his side. His eyes eventually closed and his mouth basically hung on it's own. The hardest part was how at the moment he was getting sleepy I put my mouth next to his and he kissed me back. My sister did the same and it was the last time Pluto would lick us. :'(. Then after about 5-7 mins the vet came back in the room and asked us to help him lift Pluto on the table where the lethal drug would be injected. My sister lifted his backside as I lifted the center around his ribs and the doctor lifted his head. We laid him on the side and I put my hand on his heart and felt it beating. At this point my mom had to run in and see him again one last time. She grabbed his face and spoke to him and told him how he was the best dog ever, she would never forget him, he would be in peace now, he wouldn't feel anymore pain, etc. I just continued to keep my hand on his chest and felt his heart beat. My sister stayed behind him and pet him on his legs and stomach. The vet injected the lethal drug into Pluto's right hind leg into the vein. I slowly felt his heart pump less and less. After the entire injection of the drug was done the doctor grabbed the stethoscope and checked the heartbeat. He looked up at us and said something along the line of - "His heartbeat has stopped, it is now just basically shaking trying to continue to work but the drug will soon take fully over the heart." He then also said that we can stay as long as we like to say our goodbyes. We gave Pluto one last hug and kiss and left him on the table. It was the saddest thing I ever had to do. Nothing so far in my life has been as painful. The worst part is coming to visit my parent's house and seeing his chew toys and his food and water bowl and not seeing him! I still cry at random times and I am having such a difficulty writing this entry but I know I have to. I know Pluto is in a better place now. Whenever a friend was going thru a death in the family I would try to console them by saying "they're in a better place now". I never really understood what I was saying until yesterday. He really is in a better place. I don't regret staying and watching him get put to sleep and I never will as I am more at peace that I got that last min with him to say my goodbye and to tell him I love him and hug him and to tell him he's gonna be okay. I do miss his fat cheeks and his huge tongue and his big paws! I will honestly never ever forget him!

This is Pluto exactly one month before he passed away. See the difference in the weight compared to the video? :(

This is Pluto at the vet's office on his last day.

REST IN PEACE PLUTO. I LOVEEEE YOU sooo much! I hope you're okay and I'm glad you're not feeling anymore pain. You will never ever be forgotten! EVER!

Back on my grind.

Yes, I have returned to blogspot rather then tumblr. The only reason I moved to tumblr was because I can easily post stuff from my iPhone. UGH blogger why can't you give me an app!?

Anyway. So my tumblr URL is . Check me out there as well. I'm going to continue posting up pics on tumblr however my personal posts will be here in blogger.

Now let's see... what has been happenin' in my life:

1) I quit my 2nd job - kinda. (read more below)

2) I just returned from a roadtrip. (read more below)

3) My dog (a boxer) of 9 years has just passed away yesterday. :'(

So yes #1, I quit my job in Manhattan at the eye surgeons office. I now only work at the eye doctor's office in Lenscrafters. I am no longer stressed the F*$K out! However, they haven't found anyone to replace me yet! My letter of resignation stated that my last day would be April 16th, 2010. It was handed in on March 30th, 2010. It is now AUGUST and I'm still going there on my free time to help out! GRR! The reason I am actually okay with this, though, is because I originally quit mainly because they were not paying me enough for the BULLSHIT they wanted me to deal with. It was hell everyday at this job! I had to be up at 5am or 6am depending on the day of the week! The sun isn't even up at that time. In the winter I would feel like its late night with the moon still shining! I also had to be responsible for patient's accounts letters A-L. What that means is that all the patient's that fall in that category, it was my responsibility to make sure they pay their bills! Upper East Side Manhattan is supposed to be a wealthy neighborhood but you would be surprised that these are the people that fight you for every penny and never want to pay anything! Anyway, point is that I decided to quit because I would get paid no matter how many hours I stayed there since I was on a salary basis AND they offered NO overtime! I, apparently hadn't read the fine print when I signed the employment contract. However I worked out a deal with the boss and I said I would come part time on my off days to help put the office until they find a replacement if he pays me by the hour. He agreed and we came up with $20/hour. This is great compared to previous pay. Also this is great because this is side cash next to my full-time job.

Next, let me tell you about my roadtrip. So I left on Monday the 26th of July. It was me, my dad, my little sis and my boyfriend Edie. We drove from NY to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. This was especially planned because when I was little starting at about maybe 8 years old, I went to Myrtle Beach every single year until I was 17 years old. We went every summer with my entire family (dad, mom, bro, sis). I haven't been there in 6 years and I couldn't wait to relive my childhood! We arrived to Myrtle Beach on Tuesday afternoon about 4pm. Along the way we stopped at this little attraction called "South of the Border" - . The attraction is located SOUTH of the North Carolina border - hence the name. This was also another spot we used to go to in the past. I had lots of fun I must say. Here are some pics from South of the border - just a teaser. I will make a entry dedicated to my Myrtle Beach, SC roadtrip in my next post.








I haven't had a chance to edit the images (resize, colors, and watermarks mainly) but thats the raw images straight from my camera. Ahh it was sooo good seeing my childhood vacation spot as an adult.

Now lastly, REST IN PEACE to my lovable, funny, smart, energetic, quirky boxer named Pluto. Check the next post which I dedicate to him. :(